I started this site as a way of publicly speaking my mind. I have lost track of its intention. Its intention was to help myself about talking about my experiences. It has helped people open up about theirs too. It has helped bridge generational gaps.
I am proud of this and I call it an achievement and I thank everybody for supporting my venture.
I have been fixated on making my writing perfect. I don’t wish for it to be perfect anymore. I’m not a journalist. I have a job. A job that I’m good at. I started again Tuesday gone, I am back there now, full time, let’s have it! Tomorrow is Friday, the best day of the working week.
Yesterday marked 7 weeks of the first of many horrendous episodes. The lucky number 7 aye!
As you should be aware my manic behaviour is labelled under the umbrella of psychosis.
I have experienced many schizophrenic episodes. I did not experience them alone, I dragged those closest down with me. I pulled them into my insanity whilst they were desperately trying to wrestle me free to bring me back into touch with reality.
I am back now. Slowly but surely I am finding Tom.
Despite how scarred I am, I’m still thankful for the whole experience, this is a huge learning curve and will act as a springboard for the rest of my resilient life.
Nothing will ever be as horrific or dark as these events.
I owe a humongous amount of gratitude to my immediate and extended family and friends, as well as the NHS.
I will never touch a substance again. I will never put my family through this again.
I WILL NEVER PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS AGAIN.
I have been blaming those who care the most for me, for my actions. I have been paranoid about certain scenarios, which I have also tried to use as a justification for my behaviour.
I have come to terms with this mess. I own this mess. I have tried to blame everyone and everything apart from the drugs and myself. I took responsibility but I didn’t realise until recently the harm I have caused.
I am now wiser and a lot more alert to the dangers of reality. This is a blessing. I have survived two breakdowns at 23 years of age.
If I can keep my current headstrong mentality, who knows what luck may come my way!
I can not afford a third breakdown, three times could be unlucky. The brain is a complex device that should be treated delicately, not consistently filled with toxins.
You could ask me what I took? What did I take? You think you know what you’re taking, but do you?
There is zero regulation on these narcotics, and the amount of youngsters hooked on them is a sorry shame. I was one of those. Some of us are all seeking highs to escape societies lows. By the way, alcohol also has a lot to answer for too in this regard.
I no longer worry about society and wider issues, I worry about myself 24/7. Call me selfish but also call me happy and healthy.
There is no need for a blame game. If I could give one piece of advice it would be to look after and focus on yourself. Deal with everything else as and when.
Make you, your priority!
I’m finding Tom, who are you finding?
Find what music you like, figure out who you are, life is a rollercoaster, life is a highway, life is life!
Don’t worry, be happy.
You know who x