I am going through an amazing period in my life right now. All my life since birth, I have suppressed my emotions, expressions & feelings. I put this down to a severe lack of confidence. I’d like to assure everyone, this is nobody’s fault but my own.
I forgive everyone who feels they need to be forgiven and I hope they can forgive me too!
I am currently going through the ‘NHS mental health system’ A.K.A ‘Support Crisis Team’. I was not registered on the mental health database due to having no history in this respect. I am adamant I have no mental health disorder but we will find out. I have some medication prescribed (I can use this at my discretion). However, I am trying to resist it and use therapies such as meditation, hot yoga & conversation. I think I am seeking Holistic healing, inspired by ‘Your Yoga’ in Liverpool.
After an amazing experience at Glastonbury with; fantastic friends, diverse music and peaceful vibes, my brain initiated a healing process. I put this down to the psychedelics I experimented with.
For the record I would not recommend this to anybody unless they felt they were in the right environment. Mine was perfect! Idyllic setting; loving caring people (friends for life), music with meaning, connection, attachment and to put it into one phrase ‘just the perfect VIBE’.
I returned from Glastonbury still feeling ecstatically high. Those closest to me were concerned as me being this happy and expressive was out of character.
My closest family member knew something wasn’t right and they reached out to me to help. To make me better. I didn’t need to get better I was healing, so I pushed them away. Their instinct resisted and I’m glad they trusted their intuition.
I still don’t have any answers to what I am searching for but I am determined to find out…
A lot of people who I have reciprocal love for are hopefully accepting that it is not their fault but my own. As a child without confidence I lived in fear! Fear of everything!
During childhood I grew older and tried to navigate my way through life independently. I was given the freedom to do this because I was raised by an amazing Mum with the biggest heart & a strong, determined Dad who has always protected my family. I am so similar to the both of them. I love that!
I travelled down some negative pathways. That is natural, that is growth, it’s also fine. I always searched for protection in some form, from my fears, I think?
That was a part of me which I have now shed. I no longer live in fear! Some people connote the phrase ‘not living in fear’ as negative because it can be linked to suicidal tendencies. I want to assure everybody who is worried this is really not the case. I am still ecstatic albeit experiencing a combustion of emotions.
Prior to Glastonbury, the lack of confidence for 23 years and 4 months has reeked havoc on my mental health. I was always creative and expressive until I reached puberty and entered secondary education.
Secondary education for me was great but tough. A lot of my teachers connected with me, especially my form teacher who was a maternal figure for me during my tenure. However, the longer I was in secondary education the more slurs and comments about expressive behaviour were condemned by the students in my surrounding.
I think it’s tough placing boys who are just starting puberty in an environment with boys who are further along in that regard.
The environment is an age group from around 11-16 which might actually be positive as it encourages you to grow up and get ready for life. Although can anybody actually say that a comprehensive school prepared you for life? Some kids can handle it, some can’t. Looking back I really couldn’t. I learnt to suppress myself and bottle up who I am (or was).
The older I got (from about the age of 14/15) the more I suppressed myself and the more I tried to ‘fit in’. It worked ! My friendship group expanded and I made some good friends who were good people but not as similar to me personality wise (we were only young). I regrettably pushed away my closest friends. I don’t know why.
Right now, I am unsure where I am going in life, what will I be working as? What will I be experiencing? Who will I be in a relationship with? Who will be on my journey with me?
I have never been in a strong and stable relationship and that is because “How can you love somebody when you can not love yourself” – Ru-Paul
I am humbled and thankful for every single human being I have encountered in life. Good, bad, ugly (haha). They have all had an impact on my life and prepared me for my journey to begin. It’s started and the wheels will be in full motion once I am back in work.
I have now learnt that all my life I have been curious to fill a hole within me. I have had a breakdown before (3 years ago) after the Tomorrowland festival in Belgium. I was helped with prescribed drugs from my GP, they worked. They calmed me down. Problem solved ?
I didn’t need calming down though I needed help. That’s why after a 6 week period of taking no substances I slowly began getting high again. Smoking more pot, increasing my spending and wasting my time on gambling, taking more depressants (alcohol, cocaine). Ecstasy, ketamine & psycadelics (at festivals).
All these things have adrenaline in common. They get the blood pumping! They make you feel alive, they make me feel HIGHHH! (Positive). I don’t require them to be positive anymore, I am happy! Through expression!! Talking, reading, writing, listening, dancing, singing, helping, learning & growing.
I currently have a fascination to write and study lyrics and their meaning. Lyrics are speaking to me but not in a psychotic manner. I learnt this skill from a recent work colleague who I shared a great connection with. If anybody feels the desire to connect to me at this moment please listen to the song by David Bowie ‘Changes’. “Turn and face the strange…. 🎶”. I don’t know what strange is but I’m ready to face it!
For now, all I can say is I am positive, I am getting there and I just can’t wait for the rest of my life & whatever comes with it. I hope reading this helps somebody because writing it has certainly helped me.
I am working on another post about my experience through the emergency mental health system, which I hope may relate to some of you. You too may have been in crisis or are in crisis now. Seek help or talk or listen or care or live or grow or laugh or cry. Just express. The NHS is in crisis and those currently at the very top (Government, Prime minister, Cabinet) are struggling to connect with working class people like myself. We need change.
I think writing is my way of expression right now (talent maybe). Who knows?
Much Love & Bye for now,
Son, Grandson, Brother, Nephew, Friend, Thomas, Tom.
I hope you enjoyed reading this!!
By Thomas Lee McKee
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