For the record, I am taking my medication as it as suggested. Once daily.

I may have mismanaged it a time or two. I don’t have a clue.

It is suggested I take one tablet a day. I done this last week; Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. In Rome. In a foreign country and a tough intense environment. It was excruciating but I loved some of my experience. A phenomenal city filled with culture and heritage.

Monday just gone though, I came home feeling better but nowhere near the person who I once was. I’m hell bent on not being the person I was. I don’t like who I was, I like who I am now. Creative, so to speak.

Tuesday, I took an extra 5mg of my medication. I needed it. It worked.

Wednesday I took my suggested dose with another half (5mg). It didn’t have the same effect. Support team then came out and suggested I stick to the 10mg.

I did. Thursday. It let me down. I had a horrific day thinking everyone and anything was out to get me. Not before the tablet after a well rested 8 hour sleep. After being awake for 3 hours feeling good I took my tablet at the same time I do every day. It failed me. Or I failed me. I don’t know it had the opposite affect on me.

I had some beautiful moments and met some wonderful people in my local community however the day was horrific to say the least. I took another tablet before bad and I have awoken feeling calm. Calm is good. I will take another one over the next hour. Keeping my system regulated.

I just need to manage who and what I am a lot better. The brain is a unit flooded with complexity and super powers. We need to learn how to control such powers to lead a healthy balanced life.

I am currently feeling like a paranoid schizophrenic. I feel everybody is against me in some moments; family, friends, community, government, foreign interference in our country, elections and politics. These are issues I need to personally manage better.

The NHS no longer stigmatise people in such way. In which they no longer put labels on people with mental illness’. They refer to generalise everything under ‘psychosis’. I trust them.

However, for me, it would be a lot better if somebody slapped me across the face and told me what I am and what I am going through. A plan for recovery. Something to build towards. I need a plan. A routine. Something as of now which is not mapped out. They are giving me stepping stones. I keep yelling that I don’t want stepping stones. I want a path.

The NHS no longer does this I am told. Not the face slapping I mean the ‘stigma’. Maybe that’s why I have only just been discharged from Support Crisis Team to be allowed into another team .

Feeing empowered this morning and a little bit tired.

Keep well I am going to try and rest now.

Me x