Dear diary,

The latest articles/writing or waffle I have published on this platform have not been from my heart. I started this as a medium for expressing my thoughts, emotions and feelings.

Recently I have felt the obligation to write, just incase it helps or relates to somebody, somewhere.

I am going to return to talking about me and my ‘current state of vibrations’. This will help me to clear my head again. I will be writing less frequently but it will be more passionate whenever I post.

I re-read the first piece I posted on here incase I made any grammatical errors, as I supposedly wrote it ‘in an unstable state of mind’. It was written from my heart and not my brain. Maybe that is why a lot of people related. I really enjoyed reading it and also thought it was expressed rather eloquently.

In the past, if I was to look back at any little thing I’d said and done, I would cringe internally. Positive or negative. I’m not really sure why? Because I’ve only ever tried to make people laugh and have a good time…

I’ve made a few mistakes, but haven’t we all?

Anyway, that is the past. I want to talk about today. It is Friday, the last day of the working week for me normally. I still don’t have a date for when I will be ready to return to work, although I anticipate it will be Monday 25th July. I am looking forward to the return of the working routine in my life. To be honest though, my routine is as steady as possible.

I’m not working, I go to bed when the time feels right, I enjoy a peaceful 7-9 hours sleep. I’m eating breakfast, lunch and dinner (or breakfast, dinner and tea, whatever, I’m eating anyway!). I’m taking my prescribed medication after resisting from 6th July till the morning of 10th July. I’m socialising with family and friends, connecting to fantastic people, still loving music, as well as attempting to practice hot yoga, although I don’t have the strength right now to do it once I’m there. I feel really agitated and restless in the hot, intense environment. I am really positive about tomorrow though. The future excites me.

The only thing that is dragging me down and destroying my routine and steady mood seems to be the NHS. Not the ‘Crisis Home Response Team’ and their staff, neither the ‘Early Intervention Team’ and their staff, nor the therapists and their staff at ‘Talk Liverpool’. It is the National Health Service and it’s incapacity to cope with my current situation. These institutions/services I am going through are in desperation of an overhaul and a mass integration (technologically speaking) and they also can not cope with staff absences.

However, I can’t thank the front line enough! Thank you!

I will write a full piece on my complete journey (if I ever get off this crazy bus known as the mental health support service), as I have every important detail jotted down, but honestly, I promise you something! I promise you the service is in a state of crisis/despair. I will touch on a few things just from this week alone. I am intrigued to hear your thoughts on this too.

I am undergoing this service because of my own life choices. I take responsibility for that. I’m not sorry. However, I take full responsibility. I’m sorry to some family and friends, for the suffering they may have endured, bearing witness to my turbulent state over this 3 week period.

I just don’t wear a mask anymore. I’m authentic, honest and I believe I am speaking coherently and from my soul. Although maybe very lengthy at times (sorry lol).

I am being my true self.

So diary, the purpose of today’s entry is to express how stressed out I have been due to the inefficiencies of our beloved NHS.

I am on the lowest possible dose of ‘Diazepam’. 2mg to be precise. I can have upto 3 a day at my discretion. The doctor was insistent on prescribing me a 5mg dose. I had been on a 5mg dose previously, it was placing me into a delirious state and shutting down my body. Sucking out all of my energy. Shutting me down, and definitely shutting me up! I just kept slurring ‘lalalalalaala…..’. It was scary, for me, and those around me!

I have read every single word on the pamphlet that has to be in the box of your prescribed medication. Every single word. Have you ever done this? I hadn’t either! We normally just trust the Doctor.

Who is your Doctor by the way? I asked my surgery today and they said it is whoever is available when you call up. No connection then, just note reading. My GP could be Mr. Magoo for all I know. I’m never in the Doctors to be fair. However, I need them and their service integration right now! I feel let down, they’re all trying to help, but they just don’t have the resources.

I shouldn’t have to chase my medication up. It’s not a flat going through, or a car finance deal I’m waiting on. It is my life and my mental health. My therapist told me at 10:30 am today “Under no circumstances should you be left with gaps in your medication”. I need reassurance right now to calm me down I shouldn’t be waiting until 1pm Friday (today) to find out if I am receiving my medication from the Doctor in time for tomorrow morning (my remaining meds were due to be finished before bed this evening). As you and I will know, GPs don’t work weekends.

Get in the 8 hour queue at A&E if you need help that much!

Tomorrow morning will be Saturday, I was in fear of waking up with nothing. There has been days when I haven’t took medication and I was about to initiate the self-destruct button. I don’t know, I never took them for a 3 day period and then by day 4, I had to give them another shot. I was about to get ready and go the bookies and bet on anything. Just to keep my mind occupied on something.

The tablet worked and I calmed down and made some positive changes in my home.

I was more than willing to crack on without medication, just as long as my responsible care provider gave consent. I’m not a healthcare professional? Are you?

I have been chasing up my medication since Wednesday. I reinforce that I had no update. I also expressed my worry to my support worker who visited around 11:30 am (just after I’d got off the phone to ‘Talk Liverpool). All I’ve done is f*ck*ng talk!!!! I just need any Doctor to read my notes and reassure me I will have enough medication to keep me calm and collective until a more thorough treatment plan is announced by Early Intervention.

I missed a call from ‘Early Intervention’ who left a voicemail stating they had a treatment plan for me and they will be calling me again before 4pm. They never….

Most healthcare departments don’t do weekends! Guess I’ll find out Monday….

I’m relaxed and calm now, I’m watching Paul Mccartney at Glastonbury, what a gift! What are you doing? Have a lovely weekend nonetheless!

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